


i will wait

by rippedjuns



Series: i’ll be with you from dusk till dawn [2]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Cheating, Could Be Interpreted That Way, Emotional Hurt, Forbidden Love, Heavy Angst, Hong Jisoo | Joshua-centric, Jeonghan Deserves Better, M/M, Not Technically Unrequited Love, Not polyamory, Seungcheol’s an Idiot, This is What Bingeing Angst Fics at 1am Does to People, not proof read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2018-10-25
Packaged: 2019-08-07 06:14:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16402835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rippedjuns/pseuds/rippedjuns
Summary: this love will not work out as prettily as they would want it to, but seungcheol is a confusing boy who jisoo loves very much (in secret, unfortunately).





	i will wait

**Author's Note:**

> this is another bad drabble i decided to start late at night 
> 
> great decision, georgia.
> 
> but tbh i blame the cheolsoo tag for making me weep, so this just was an attempt to drown away the pain.
> 
> i’m not good at making people cry just saying.
> 
> now playing - secret love song by little mix ft jason derulo

i feel like i’m suffocating.

seeing you hold his hand, and whisper unknown words into his ear, hurts me in too many ways to describe. death would be less arduous than what you put me through.

even listening to joyful songs makes me cry, treading in neck deep tear pools. the happy memories locked inside our apartments, the smiling knockers that would announce your presence and the frowning handle that would lead to your exit. i want to let these memories roam free throughout our world, so i can easily recall those pillow fights and the halloween movie marathons and the delicate kisses. but, knowing that i’ll never be the guy that you lie to, i hold them back.

i suffer to make you happy.

i know that you’re still not happy, though.

you give jeonghan a smile similar to the one you give our friends, one of not much feeling and that can be easily distributed. i can tell the difference. you smile at me like i’m the last candy bar at the convenience store and you’re the five year old on a friday afternoon; like i’m a precious jewel amongst all the coal and you’re the fatigued miner; like i’m yours and you’re mine.

but you’re not.

when you hold jeonghan in the streets like i’m not there next to you, walking with all of your bags in hand; when you kiss jeonghan on the dancefloor whilst i stand at the edge of the room, holding onto your warm drinks; when you talk about jeonghan as if he’s the last person on earth like i’m not sitting on the same table, knowing that all you speak of to them are lies, you pull on the rope around my heart a little more. you damage so many people with that sharp smile of yours, slicing my skin even with a tiny grin. you don’t even notice that my heart is becoming tighter when you pull jeonghan closer, and that it becomes squeezed and pressurised when you hold jeonghan’s hand tighter.

i want to say that i’m in love with you, and that i kissed you and that it felt as if i flew up to heaven with my own angel as a guide. i want to shout it from the rooftops, and i want everyone to know that i’m wearing my heart on my sleeve especially for you. i want to be loud with you in every way possible, because we’ve been too quiet for too long now. we’ve kept what we’ve shared under a lock and key, and i’m dying to set it free.

but you’ve sewn a zipper to my lips.

a needle continues to pinprick my heart when you’re not with me, and when i see you stroll down the hallways with a guy who should know the truth about you. about me. about us.

glass decorates the floor around me, pictures of myself and my broken state staring back and mocking me. the one photo frame i keep of us won’t seem to shatter though. i stomp on it and i thrash it against a wall and i punch it and swing at it with a wooden spoon. but we still stay in tack, unlike my mental state.

why won’t you break?

you’ve  
already  
broken  
me.

a broken children’s toy, winding and winding and winding until i snap and explode. but it’s never in front of you. i could never hate you, yet i want to scream and shout and sob in front of you.

goddammit.

goddammit!

_goddammit, choi seungcheol!_

you pull the strings too tightly, the friction burns left on my heart cause bracelet beads to temporarily form on my cheeks, like the ones you said we could buy one day when you get your life together. i want to confront you, to tell you how the strings you puppet are strangling me, to persuade you to stop this nonsense. but you won’t listen.

you never will.

it’s always about you, isn’t it seungcheol? it’s never about jeonghan, and about how he would feel when he finds out about our stolen moments behind the bars of the dormitory. you never wonder about how these walls of lies can collapse at the slip of a word, an earthquake of deadly agony and breathless quarrels to then lead to a tsunami of shattered hearts and shedded tears. it’s never about me, and about how i dread walking into somewhere where i’m supposed to feel safe and secure because the opposite emotions drown out the thoughts of education and health and normality. you never wonder about how i’m putting up with holding something as beautiful as love from blooming to its fullest potential, the garden kept within a greenhouse deserving much more than a sprinkle of water every day when you feel like it. the sunflowers are touching the ceilings, begging to escape and see the light. i want our love to see the light.

we deserve better than this fate.

jeonghan deserves better than your fake romance and my fake friendship.

you deserve better than a guy that’s too anxious to confront you about his mental health.

i deserve better than a man who locks me out of his world until he gets agitated with the rest of it.

i want to open the door, but you hold the key to unlock our relationship. i want to release the truth, but you hold the voice to announce it all. i want to get out of this wrapper of secrets, but you hold the money to set us free.

why can’t you hold me in the streets? why can’t you kiss me on the dancefloor? why can’t we talk about each other to everybody?

because i’m yours, yet i’m not yours.

i can’t breathe.

i need your oxygen.

but you’ve given it all away.

you will never understand the pain.

because everyone wants you.

but no one wants a tired puppet.

just remember, seungcheol.

just remember at the end of the day.

i, hong jisoo, will always be there for you.  
i, hong jisoo, will wait for an eternity for you.  
i, hong jisoo, will never stop loving you.

because i’m yours, and i will always be yours.

even if you can’t call me “mine.” just yet.

i will wait. 

**Author's Note:**

> feedback is always appreciated!
> 
> ☆thank you for reading!☆


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